By Leo Aquino
The best things in life come in threes: Charlie’s Angels, Destiny’s Child, Hogwarts’ iconic wizarding trio, Hermione, Ron and Harry, and now… you, your partner, and a sultry third. In TV and movies, threesomes are portrayed as spontaneous, usually revolving around a man’s sexual fantasy.
In reality, threesomes require a ton of trust, communication, and boundaries. We’re here to tell you everything you need to know about having a great threesome — starting with how to find a third, to how to be the third, and how to deal if you really don’t want to be in a threesome but want to help fulfill your partner’s sexual fantasy.
What is a threesome/threeway?
A threesome, a.k.a. a threeway, menage a tois, or nage toi for short, is a sexual act between three people. MFM (male-female-male, also nicknamed “the devil’s threesome”) is one of the most common types of threesomes, but any combination of genders can create a threesome.
Here are some possible gender combinations who can have threesomes:
- FMF female-male-female, including trans people
- One gender-diverse person, one man, and one woman
- Three gender-diverse people
- Three men
- Three women
It’s important to know that having a threesome doesn’t always involve double penetration, or any penetration at all. A couple might enlist a third to simply watch and masturbate in a separate area of the room while the couple has sex with each other — and that still counts.
Are threesomes normal?
Threesomes are totally normal! Psychology Today reports that at least 30% of people have had a mixed-gender threesome. That’s nearly 1 in 3 people!
Besides being completely normal, threesomes are also really hot. A 2007 study conducted by the Department of Psychology at Simon Frasier University in Canada shows that sex with multiple partners can create higher testosterone levels in both people penis-owners and vulva-owners.
Neuroscientist and sex therapist Dr. Nan Wise shares that threesomes can make penis-owners especially hornier. “When [people assigned male at birth (AMAB)] see their partner with another [AMAB partner], their body produces more testosterone and more sperm. This is a competitive evolutionary response that can make threesomes last longer for everyone.”
When your partner asks you if you want to be in a threesome, it’s normal to feel jealous or worry that it might not go well. While considering whether or not group sex is for you, also consider how much physical pleasure is at stake when adding a third person into the mix.
How to have a threesome
Warming up to the idea of having a threesome? Here are a few tips to set your trio up for success:
If you’re in a committed relationship, lay ground rules before finding a third.
Sexologist Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT suggests, “Be on the same page as to why you want to be in a threesome.” Do you want to spice up your sex life? Are you interested in having sex with a new partner, but don’t want your current partner to feel left out or betrayed? Are you a bicurious person in a heterosexual relationship looking to explore your sexuality? Do you want to try kink with someone more experienced than yourself and your partner?
All of these reasons are valid, but they need to be expressed with absolute clarity to your committed partner in order for things to go smoothly.
Once both of your intentions are aligned, lay some ground rules before finding a third. Here are a few ways to express your boundaries:
- I’m not comfortable with moving forward unless all three of us get tested for STIs and share our results with each other.
- Babe, I want you to fuck me, but I don’t want to be penetrated by the third person.
- It would really hurt my feelings to see you kiss another person. Is kissing the third person important to you?
- Babe, I know you want to find another girl to join our threesome, but I would love for them to wear a strap-on. Are you comfortable seeing me get fucked by another woman?
- I might be more comfortable having a threeway if we got a hotel room. I don’t really want a stranger in our intimate space.
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I want to be whipped, but I know you’re uncomfortable whipping me. Would you be comfortable seeing me get whipped by a domme?
As always, honesty is the best policy. If you’re not 100% sure whether or not you want to have a threesome, don’t feel pressured by your partner’s sexual fantasies. Take your time to figure out what boundaries will make you feel comfortable.
If you’re the partner who’s more eager to have a threesome, give your partner some space to sort through their feelings. Make gentle suggestions like, “Would you be comfortable with me and another girl going down on you at the same time?”
Should we have a threeway with a friend?
Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT says, “I don’t recommend having a threesome with a friend or acquaintance unless you can talk about it first.” And as you can imagine, it’s pretty awkward to talk to a friend or acquaintance about your sexual preferences.
“If you’re able to have a conversation about it and everyone consents, that usually indicates that you’ll be able to navigate any feelings that come up before, during, and after the threesome itself,” adds Wright. If you feel awkward or giggly talking about your sexual preferences with a friend, they’re probably not the best pick for a third to join you and your partner.
Should we hire a sex worker to be our third?
Dr. Nan Wise reminds us, “The third person should have their needs met, too. They’re not an accessory.” Whoever your third person may be, it’s important to treat them with utmost respect and kindness.
You can absolutely hire a sex worker, as long as you can practice the same honesty as you do with your committed partner. Again, you and your partner should be really clear with your intentions if you want to hire a sex worker to be a part of your threesome.
Here are some reasons you might want to hire a sex worker:
- You and/or your partner might feel more comfortable with a more experienced person who can take the lead if things get awkward.
- You and/or your partner want to try new things, like kink, rope work, or foot play, and you both want help from someone who is more experienced.
- You and/or your partner want discretion and have a hard time finding someone that you can trust.
- You or your partner have fetishes that the other is uncomfortable performing.
- You find a really gorgeous sex worker that both you and your partner find incredibly attractive.
Should we find partners online? How?
It’s becoming more and more common to find partners for threeways on Tinder, Bumble or Grindr. Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT reminds us, “BE HONEST. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, but know that it would be nice to start with a threesome, just say that. There’s nothing wrong with honesty. You’ll attract the people you want that way.”
Wright adds, “There’s no need for games or hiding your intentions. That’s deceitful and goes against the concept of ethical non-monogamy, which implies there’s consent.” When it comes to apps, consent starts with honesty on your dating profile.
Don’t get on the apps with the mission to convince cute girls who write, “NO COUPLES, NO UNICORNS” to join your threesomes. Don’t hide your intentions and drop the bomb two days into heavy conversation with someone who may not want a threesome. There’s no need to cross boundaries of consent to find an eager third.
Apps and resources for finding threesomes
Thankfully, we live in the golden age of sexual experimentation. There are plenty of apps that can help you find a third, starting with these three:
- Feeld. Feeld was formerly called 3nder because they designed the app to help couples match with singles who want to have a threesome. The app is free to use, but there are additional paid membership tiers that provide privacy and selective photo sharing. The app is also inclusive of 20+ gender identities, multiple kink preferences, plus they use Facebook profiles to confirm people’s identity. Thankfully, they’re very discrete and don’t actually post anything on your Facebook page.
- 3somer. While Feeld is great for exploring different kinks and fetishes, 3somer is exclusively for finding people to join a threesome. Its layout is more like social media, where you can post status updates and photos on your feed to share with friends or onlookers. The app is free, but there are additional paid memberships.
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3fun. Cosmo reports that 3fun has the most features at the base level than most of the other threesome apps available on the market. You can see who likes your profile unlimitedly, and you can also set location boundaries so that you don’t match with anyone who’s too far away.
Once you find a third, revisit those ground rules.
It’s no small feat finding that third partner, but once you do, things start to heat up. Even just talking about your group sex experience can get all three of you more excited and aroused.
Before getting down and dirty, revisit those original ground rules that you set with your committed partner. It’s normal for your desires to change now that you’ve found your third.
Here are some ways you can express changes in your preferences to your committed partner:
- Babe, I know I said I didn’t want to be fucked by another person, but now that we got to know James a little bit better, I think I’d be comfortable with him penetrating me.
- I really trust Hunter. I think I’d be okay with seeing you kiss them, as long as this is just a one-time thing.
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Now that we’re hiring Mistress June, would you be comfortable learning how to tie me up and whip me? I still really want you to do that to me. Please?
Talk to your partner about what makes the both of you comfortable, and be sure to loop in your third partner to make sure you’re all on the same page.
Talk, plan and share openly.
Now’s not the time to worry about whether or not your third person is going to judge you or think less of you for your preferences. Complete honesty is the number one way to go!
If the threesome is going to take place in you and your committed partner’s shared space, give your third partner the lay of the land. Share your committed partner’s preferences with your third partner, and let your committed partner share tips and tricks of how to please you, too.
Ask questions about positions that make their toes curl with incredible pleasure.
Planning can be really arousing, too. Tell your third partner how you can’t wait to give them a blowjob while they’re bent over the kitchen counter, getting railed in the anus by your committed partner. Tell your committed partner how excited you are to put condoms on two throbbing cocks for double penetration.
Keep your ground rules in mind always.
Once you’re actually hot and heavy, don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t like when you touch me there” or simply redirect their grabby hands to an area that you want to be touched.
If you see one of your partners breaking a rule that all three of you already agreed upon, you can say, “Hey, we agreed that you wouldn’t spank his ass, only mine.” Restate your boundaries clearly and firmly.
It’s easy to forget someone’s preferences and boundaries, especially with the intense build-up of arousal while planning your threesome. If you accidentally cross that line, simply apologize, change course and move on. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Simply asking, “Is this okay?” or “Do you like that?” can make the experience exponentially more pleasurable for all three parties involved.
Aftercare
Dr. Nan Wise recommends aftercare for all parties involved, “especially for the third partner.” It can be easy for the third partner to feel isolated or ashamed after a threesome, especially if they’re joining two committed partners.
Practice aftercare by cuddling, kissing, holding hands, staring into your partners’ eyes, or simply asking if they’re okay.
I don’t really want a threesome. Am I normal?
You’re totally normal! After all, if Psychology Today claims that 30% of people have been in mixed-gendered threesomes, that means 70% of the population still hasn’t experienced one.
Again, if threesomes aren’t for you, don’t feel pressured into doing something you really don’t want to do. Stand your ground with confidence.
What if I want a threesome but my partner doesn’t?
First, it’s important to respect your partner’s boundaries. Pressuring someone into having a threeway by lying, manipulating, or belittling their boundaries is not cool and not consensual.
If your partner is open to considering a threesome in the future to fulfill your fantasies, here are some baby steps that can help get them ready for bringing a third person into the mix:
- Watch porn in the background while you have sex. The additional noises can help them feel comfortable with inviting a third into the bedroom.
- Host a virtual orgy with other swingers, and keep the sound on. Use Zoom or any other video calling platform to organize virtual group sex with other consenting adults. Being watched by others may help your partner feel more comfortable inviting a third into your sex life.
- Attend a sex party (once it’s safe to go to parties again!) and hold your partner’s hand lovingly while you watch other people get it on.
Even if you take all these steps, your partner has every right to change their mind about having a threesome.
The Best Things In Life Come In Threes
Armed with the tools you need to find a third partner and to navigate consent with two other people, you’re ready to have a threesome. Communicating along the way is necessary, and it will make the experience more pleasurable for all three of you.
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