By: Lindsay Curtis
You may have heard the (all too common and terrible) advice that you should spell the “ABCs” out while going down on a woman to make sure you’re hitting the right spots. If you’ve done that, please stop now — it does. not. work.
Instead of engaging in a spelling bee during oral sex, take some advice from me — a seasoned lesbian with over two decades of experience both receiving and giving oral sex.
Going down on a woman can feel like you have a new superpower when she’s all blissed out after you’ve rocked her world. But if you don’t feel confident you can please her, you may spoil what should otherwise be a fun and sexy experience for both of you. The oral sex tips below are some of the most fail-proof techniques I’ve come to love for both having and giving mind-blowing orgasms.
1. Communication is key
Communication during oral sex is about more than just moans and heavy breathing (though that counts, too!). You want to maximize your partner's sexual pleasure, and that means communicating with her before, during, and even after the act. “Instead of making assumptions, ask a woman what turns her on,” advises Niki Davis-Fainbloom, a New York-area sex coach. “Does she prefer more or less pressure? Where does she enjoy being touched? Which motion feels good for her? By keeping the communication open, having no assumptions and learning to figure out what pleases each person, you should be able to give incredible head."
It’s important to remember that every woman (and body) likes different sensations, rhythms and positions when it comes to oral sex. Consensual experimentation with different positions, speeds and techniques is a great way to find out what will leave her in ecstasy.
2. Start slow:
Great music never starts off with the crescendo — it always builds up. Female orgasms are similar. With this in mind, you’ll want to build up her excitement by engaging in some foreplay. Lavish her body with attention by massaging, kissing and licking everywhere but the clitoris. Your partner will get more out of it — including a better orgasm — if you start slowly and get blood flowing to her clitoris by giving the rest of her body some attention.
No matter how excited you are to go down on her, remember you enhance the experience when you take your time. "I've been guilty of rushing things because I so enjoy going down on a woman," says Natasha H*, a self-identified lesbian. "But what I've learned over time is that when I move too quickly, I'm actually taking away from my partner’s pleasure, not adding to it."
3. Love the clit:
Once she’s fully aroused, you’ll want to focus primarily on her clitoris. “Less than 20 percent of women can orgasm without clitoral stimulation," explains Davis-Fainbloom. "Knowing this, my advice is to put at least 80 percent of your effort into pleasuring the clit.”
“Circling” is a classic favorite. Move your tongue in a swirling motion around her clitoris. Experiment with different rhythms and pressures; you’ll know you’ve hit the right tempo when she’s writhing and moaning in pleasure. Gently sucking on her clitoris or clitoral hood is overlooked by also incredibly effective. If she needs an intensity break around her clitoris, try sucking her labia.
4. Use your whole mouth:
While the tip of your tongue is an important part of giving oral sex, it isn’t the only tool you have at your disposal to give her pleasure. Her vulva has nerve endings all over and the clitoris is more than just the external part we can see — it is shaped more like a wishbone, with shafts running down both sides of her vulva, in addition to the pea-shaped bulb we can see. Getting your whole mouth involved means you’re more likely to hit all of her sensitive spots.
Consider trying the “ice cream” method rather than the ABCs. Flatten your tongue and lick the whole area as if you’re enjoying the tastiest ice cream cone you’ve ever had. Put your lips to work by kissing and pressing against different parts of her labia and vulva.
5. Dive In:
You can elevate the oral sex experience by combining your oral prowess with sex toys such as vibrators, which can be used during foreplay to get the passion flowing, and can increase the pleasure experienced during oral sex, too. Tease her vaginal opening or penetrate her with your tongue or fingers. Many women say penetration — with your fingers or a sex toy — increases the intensity of their orgasms, particularly if you’re hitting the g-spot at the same time you’re focusing on her clitoris with your mouth.
6. Keep at it:
When she nears orgasm, you may be tempted to speed things up or apply more pressure. It’s natural to get excited and want to up the ante as the passion builds. And while every person is different, the best thing to do when you know she’s close is to keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Resist the urge to go faster and harder and instead keep at what you were doing to get her “almost” there. I’ve had partners get carried away and speed things up when they feel I’m nearing orgasm, and it always delays the Big O and takes me longer to come when they do this. Trust that you’ll bring her to orgasm more quickly by staying consistent.
While it can feel a little intimidating when you’re going down on someone new, it’s just like any other skill — with practice and experience, you can develop your oral sex techniques until you feel confident about giving your partner an incredible orgasm (or several!) each and every time. Remember to communicate throughout, and let yourself relax and enjoy the experience.
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